The Beckoning

One of my very many pet peeves is with this one guy here (we'll call him Forest Gump cuz he stutters like him) who always beckons people via email. You can be sitting at your desk all day long and only 15 feet away from his doorway and instead of getting up to speak to you he will send you an email that says "come see me". What? Come see you? Fuck you. I am so NOT coming to see you. Ok, well usually I do, but I make him wait hours. This time I didn't go see him at all, and he came to my desk this morning to say "can you come see me" and I said "I see you right now". (God I am such a smart ass I will get fired for that alone some day.) He explains to me how he is troubled by the badges and thinks they won't work in our other facilities. I say of course it won't work, it's just a freakin photo ID with your employee number on it. I said it won't even get you in a movie theater much less a high security facility. Damn idiot. He talks at me for awhile not realizing that I am an intelligent human being and already did all of research and talked to the appropriate people. Yeah cuz after working with me for 9 years he knows I'm half-assed like that (me being sarcastic). He finally leaves, satisfied with my responses. I wonder sometimes how I maintain the strength and dignity to not just grab someone by the cuff and say listen you mother fucker, just do what I tell you and stop giving me lip. I have dreams of doing that.

In any case, the other admins hate to be beckoned as well. We talk about it all the time. This morning, Esmerelda sends me a beckoning email: "come see me about the keys". I'm like WHATTTT? I go to her desk and say "Yes Forest". She's all like huh, what do you mean? As if. She knew exactly what she did. Yet she looks at me like I'm the crazy one. Well I am crazy just look into my eyes. I'll show them all crazy (insert evil laugh here).

It's Business Time

I can't view these at work, but I wanted to post it on my blog anyway, mostly because it's so damn funny. I hope you enjoy:

Office Turkeys

I've just discovered that Esmerelda and Esther are taking a week vacation together over the Thanksgiving holiday. They've disguised their lesbian love getaway by saying their husbands are coming along, but I'm starting to see the light. I'm only sad that they're not hot lesbians. At least I could get in some good fantasy time while I daydream. Instead my mind rebels when I think of the crotchety cranky Esmerelda screaming that she's cumming while wrinkly old Esther shoves various vegetables (grown from her very own garden of course) up Esmerelda's vajayjay. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

It's very funny to think they are keeping secrets from me. They haven't realized that I know all, I see all and not alot escapes my attention. They did this last year too, and when they realized that I knew they spent at least an hour apologizing to me for not telling me (as if I really cared). I know Esther doesn't like me - she gives me no eye contact when I ask her to do something. Esmerelda actually used to be my friend before Esther came along, but I think they have more in common with each other than with me with the age thing. And of course they both have husbands, which I do not. I sometimes think they resent me because I'm in a higher position than both of them and they're older than I am by about 10+ years. But hey, I put in my time here, I worked in this pit for almost 10 years and I've earned my title. They've been here 2 years and think they're hot shit. They have no clue, but I love it when they leave on vacations together. It's the only time I feel I can relax in the office and not have to watch my back or figure out why someone moved stuff around. (Funny example: I had a war with one of them, not sure which one, but in the kitchen there is a Keurig machine for coffee and I kept putting the cups on top of the machine and one them kept moving it on the left - exactly where the hot water tap was, which didn't make any sense to me at all. I guess it was really passive-aggressive of me to keep moving it back where I wanted it to be, but dammit, I'm the fucking queen bitch here, so deal with it!)

In any case, I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving :)

We Don't Need No Stinking Badges

The moments that I think I am so very amazing seem to be the moments when there is always someone being a thorn in my side as well. Example: to enter my office building security we need to have badges. To go to other offices we need to have photo badges. I called our tech department and they will not make my sattelite office any badges so I think to myself, I will make some on my own for the whole office. Do I have to? No. Should it be done? Yes. Is it my responsibility? No. But whatever, it's fun to do something different and I always feel a sense of accomplishment when I do. So I make the stinkin badges and everyone is grateful except for one guy, who instead of wearing it on his clip, decides to try to cram it into his overstuffed wallet. I say dude, what are you doing to my magnificent work? You need to wear that when our office travels to the other office in a few weeks. Please don't destroy it. He starts whining and complaining. I said that is not the proper response. What you should be doing is thanking me for taking the extra mile to make sure you are properly identified and security doesn't tackle you for being an outsider! He continues to cram... now I'm wondering if I can cram my foot up his ass.

I'm afraid this blog is going to turn into the place where all I do is complain because I am sooooo fired up once again. Ok so this is the story this week. As you may know, National Boss' Day was this week, and I had a staff meeting to ask the staff if they would like to participate in doing something as a group. I pre-empted the meeting with an email, letting staff know I was going to be asking them this question so they could be prepared with ideas. Immediately after sending the email out, one admin (I'll call her Esmerelda because she's such a witch), immediately sends me an email back letting me know that she will not participate as she has decided to buy a card for each of her bosses and that was it. Of course she's absolutely bitchy about it too, but in trying to stay with my new and improved attitude, I just reply with a "yes ma'am, thank you." Then Esmerelda takes the other admin (who I don't think has a mind of her own because she tends to adopt every single thought Esmerelda does) and they go for their smoke break (a very regular 10AM and 3PM strict regimen). We'll call admin number two Esther (because she's much older and that name works for me... lol). The minute Esmerelda and Esther come back from smoke break I get an email from Esther saying the same thing: I do not want to partipate, I will do my own thing. I think to myself, of course, monkey see, monkey do. I finally decide to reply to both of them saying, thanks for your input, but wait for the meeting like I asked and you can provide your point of view at that time. (I try not to roll my eyes while I am typing, they are so ridiculous).

So anyway, meeting time comes and the staff decide on a breakfast and I say ok, I'll go buy the food, etc. and you guys help serve and decorate. Maybe someone can do a poster or something saying thanks... Well no one does a damn thing until the very morning of the breakfast. At this point I've already set up the table, bought the food, brought in my own personal appliances, make the freakin poster and asked for volunteers to which NO ONE responded. What a bunch of fuckers. This office sucks ass. Then to top it off, all of a sudden Esther brandishes two homemade tarts, bacon and sausage! This from someone who didn't even WANT to do anything, but yet she just can't stand to let an opportunity to top me and anything that I do. Did she let me know she was bringing stuff? Of course not! Not to mention that Miss Wonderful just had a root canal the day before. So now everyone ooohs and ahhhs over HER accomplishments. I tell ya man, something stinks in Whoville.

The Art of Word

I know many people complain about software, and in particular, Miscrosoft software, but I have to tell you that I really like it. I am currently "checked back in" to my job and am giving it a good go to stay here. This could be due to the pending raise I may be getting soon, who knows, but I'm putting my best foot forward, dressing better and voluntarily - yes that's right! - voluntarily doing some extra things. One thing I am doing now is creating photo badges for the office. I'm telling you, LMS would have never let me have this much fun. I am using Word and Excel and I'm feeling pretty proud. It surely is a thankless job.