Tuesday, November 27, 2007

So Many Choices... Just Pick One!

So I made it through Thanksgiving. Feeling a fat these days, but I just bought some new bras, so at least my breasts are perky, even if the buttons on my pants no longer latch.

As usual, the staff here (who are the most ungrateful group of people I have ever met) are bent on complaining and whining. Last year I organized a Thanksgiving potluck. I don't know too many companies who even acknowledge Thanksgiving in the office, other than to give you 2 days off to eat and then recover. But I try to make this a happy place, so we did the potluck and this year I just didn't have time (or the will power if you must know). So my boss told everyone, we're still open to the potluck idea, and if anyone wants to organize it, please feel free. Do you think anyone did? Not one single person stepped up to the plate. I'm not sure they should anyway, last time they were in charge of organizing the Halloween party and they left pumpkins rotting in the conference room for over a week. Again, I refused to pick them up, I was supposed to be free and clear from having to do anything for that event either. I'm not the fucking wedding planner here ya know. LOL!

So now onto the Christmas holiday. I've arranged for a very nice dinner after work for all the staff to enjoy, drinks and stuff included. Since I only have a budget of $50 per person, I really couldn't do that much, and spouses, partners, boyfriends/girlfriends are not invited this year due to budget cuts (but hey, last year I allowed someone else to arrange it and we ended up having pizza and went bowling. Yes bowling. For Christmas. I can't allow THAT to happen again.) We usually do a Secret Santa too, so to continue with trying to do what the staff wants, I sent out an email telling them to vote if they wanted Secret Santa or not. You will never beleive the response, but a few people actually suggested potluck ! I kid you not! Of course there are always the people who don't choose one of my suggestions and throw out one of their own. One thing I refuse - and I mean I REFUSE - to do is Yankee Swap. For those that don't know, Secret Santa is when you buy a gift for a designated person (usually limiting the amount of money to spend) and they open it knowing it is for them and only them. Yankee swap is when you buy a random gift for anyone and once you open a gift, other people can "steal" it from you. Basically the last person to open the gift is the one who gets the best present by taking from other people.

So yeah, I don't think it would be a particularly good idea to take things from people in this office, especially with their attitudes the way it is. Can you imagine a Senior Management person taking a Yankee Swap gift from a lower paid employee? What a nightmare, I'm sure the gossip would flow freely after that.

Basically, what I'm saying is Yankee Swap wasn't a freakin choice, so don't tell me that you pick it. Idiots.

By the way, a secretary in one of our other offices just won $20 Million Dollars in the lottery. She left work at 10AM and no one has seen her since. That lucky bitch. I'm so jealous.

Esther and Esmerelda are back from their romantic getaway. Miserable as usual. I hope I pick one of them for Secret Santa and I will go buy one of those fake plastic poopies that look real. I would so love that. Of course I won't, but it's fun to dream.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

A Bloody Confrontation

Ok, ladies out there, I need your support. This is the most ridiculous thing, but anyway, here goes...

We have a cleaning service that the landlord of our building has arranged to clean our main working areas, and their own maintenance guy is to clean the bathrooms and kitchen. This is a relatively new arrangement, and so far, at least for me, it's not working out too well. First off, the maintenance guy is not a professional cleaning service and has no clue how or what is required to clean a ladies bathroom. He was also on vacation last week, which meant they didn't get cleaned at all. When he returned, I asked him to make sure they were cleaned and he said he did, but I when I went back in, there was the same gross crusty pee stain on the front of the bowl. How a woman can miss the toilet is beyond me, but anyway... the job wasn't done. The worst part was the bins on the back of the seats where ladies put their used "unmentionables" was packed full, so he was obviously unaware that those needed to be emptied as well. In any case, I'm certainly not about to have to explain to some guy (who doesn't speak english either, so I end up yelling "tampon bin! tampon bin1") how to clean a ladies room.

To fix this, I called the landlord back and requested the professional service be reinstated and assured them that it was nothing the maintenance guy did wrong, per se, just that I was too embarassed to have to explain to him every aspect of what to do and would appreciate a professional doing it again. She understood completely. An hour later the maintenance guy is at my desk and he is all confrontational with me. "Why did you call landlord, you tell me" he says in his hard to understand accent. I was like oh man, dude, do I really have to explain and heave a big sigh. Seriously, he doesn't get paid extra to do it so you tell me why he wants to have the job of cleaning the bathrooms so bad. Seriously. Can you guess? My mind is always in the gutter, so you know where it's headed... gross! Anywayyyyyy back on track with my story. He insists that he needs to do it and I finally say that we need to do a checklist so that he knows what to do.

So how did that happen? WTF? Now I have to do a checklist on how to clean a womens bathroom. Crap. How the hell did THAT happen?


Monday, November 12, 2007

Gossip Mill

I've been arranging for the entire staff to take an offsite trip (across the Canadian border even) and I have everything all finalized. Of course, there is always the occasional whine (do I have to sit near so-and-so?, etc.). So I had arranged for a couple of minivans, set up the drivers and gave them lists of who sits in what vehicle (so no one gets left behind). One guy here (I'll call him Barney cuz he's cute for awhile then he annoys you, then you want to kill him) had already arranged to drive his own vehicle. That's fine, he just won't get reimbursed for mileage or gas, that's the deal. He goes into my PHB's office to say "rumor is that there is a problem with me driving" to which my boss said "you worked it out with my Secretary, right? Then no problem." When I go into my boss' office next he says to me "Did you give Barney a hard time about driving" to which I say "of course not, he already arranged that with me like a good boy, we're all square." PHB says Barney was just here asking. Which fired me up immediately. You and I both know it's those damn bitches starting rumors about me again. So I march my tight fanny on down the hall to Barney's office and I step in and say "Hey Barn, just wanted you to know that PHB asked me about the car situation, and as far as I'm concerned, you already arranged it with me and there is absolutely no problem, contrary to what you may have heard." Barney says, "well yeah I did hear something." And I say, "you gotta take that crap with a grain of salt, between me and you, I very rarely give a shit about anything here, so if you ever hear that I do, you can call that person a big fat liar." I smile sweetly and waltz away.

Gossipers get fucked. I'm onto you.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Just Call me Fred.

Sometimes I have these visions and I don't know if I should be scared or amused, but mostly, right now, I'm amused. These visions are quite bloody and involve me slicing and dicing various female co-workers. It's quite Freddy Kruegger (sp?) of me, really. I'd love to have the long fingernail blades. That way, when they piss me off all I have to do is flick a finger in their general direction. Blood spurts, and I am satisfied and happy. Is this wrong? I don't care. I am sitting here flicking my middle finger and it feels so right.

Here's the current scenario: yesterday a new guy was out, it was his birthday and he turned 50. I guess it's a big deal. Personally, I wouldn't want attention drawn to the fact that I'm a half century old, but that's just me. Anyway, Esther and Esmerelda have taken it upon themselves to decorate his office with numerous black balloons - you can't even walk in there without kicking one, plus they went to the store together and Esther bought (and stubbornly refuses to be reimbursed for) a helium tank, which they spent sucking in and singing various musicals to while they worked. And yes, this was funny and I was amused. Other people walked by, like I did to stop and laugh a moment before going back to work. I only mention this so you don't think I'm just being a scrooge when I tell you this next part and the part that makes me want to start slicing like a cuisinart.

This morning as soon as this guy walks in and he's all like whoa and laughing, they both run in immediately to make sure that credit goes where credit is due. I hear them going on and on telling the story of how much fun they had blowing up balloons and who stopped by to help blow some up (of course the short list did not include my name) so that he could know exactly who did what. God they make me sick. Seriously. Isn't the whole part of doing a good deed is to just let that person enjoy it? Must that person really be subjected to all the trials and tribulations you had while preparing such a great event in their honor? To me, it rings of someone buying you jewelry and then telling you how much it cost. Tacky tacky tacky.

Oh and by the way, we celebrate birthdays by the month and November happens to have 5 people in it. I always order a cake and the whole staff takes 20-30 minutes to celebrate the month. Do you think these bitches even once thought about how their grandiose celebration for one person would make the others feel whose birthdays also fell in that month???

I hate them. I truly do.

Monday, November 5, 2007

I think I'm a fairly observant person. I'm aware of my surroundings, of people around me. Sometimes it astonishes me how oblivious people can be. This weekend I drastically changed my haircolor. You can't miss it. I was blond and now I'm auburn. Esmerelda just walked by me, looked me in the eye and didn't even notice. Hmmmm.... I suppose there is the possibility that I look like shit and she's afraid to say anything at all, but in all honesty, I'm damn good lookin, so I don't see this happening. HA! *smirk* Oh, and by the way, 3 men noticed already. Yes, men. You heard me. So ahhhhh.... hmmmm.

It's 15 minutes later and she came up to me all smiles, wanting to see and "ohhh it looks so good". Am I buying this shit? I have such a bad attitude and I am so cynical here at work. Which is pretty funny because my personal life I'm pretty laid back and I don't let too much upset me. I even generally give people the benefit of the doubt that they are being real with me. But not at work. No way. Oh the games people play. Later I will move stuff around just to make them all a-twitter. Hee hee.